


Buzzfeed Celeb: Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak take the Relationship Test

by BayleyWinchester



Series: Richie + Eddie Become Gay Icons™ (it's weird but Richie loves it) [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Buzzfeed, Comedian Richie Tozier, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fix-It, Fluff, Internet Famous, Interviews, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:21:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21667375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BayleyWinchester/pseuds/BayleyWinchester
Summary: Richie Tozier and Eddie Kasprak take the Relationship TestBuzzfeed Celeb5.3 Million Views                                 80K likes | 3K dislikes4,561 CommentsRichie Tozier ("Richie Tozier: Coming Clean") and Eddie Kaspbrak stop by to put their relationship to the test and see who knows more about their partner...and to maybe casually reveal their deepest fears along the way.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie + Eddie Become Gay Icons™ (it's weird but Richie loves it) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560019
Comments: 43
Kudos: 1030





	Buzzfeed Celeb: Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak take the Relationship Test

**Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak take the Relationship Test**

_Buzzfeed Celeb_

_5.3 Million Views 80K likes_ | _3K dislikes_

_4,561 Comments_

_Richie Tozier ("Richie Tozier: Coming Clean") and Eddie Kaspbrak stop by to put their relationship to the test and see who knows more about their partner...and to maybe casually reveal their deepest fears along the way._

Transcript - pre-final edit   
{Note to editor: please beep out all swear words}

 **Richie** : This is Eddie Kaspbrak.

 **Eddie** : And this is Richie Tozier.

 **Richie** : And we’ve been together for 35 years.

 **Eddie** : Give or take 35 years. 

**Richie** : We’re about to take a quiz to see how well we know each other. This quiz is how you know that you love someone. If you can’t get all fifty right then you’re not in love. It’s science. 

**Eddie** : You better get all fifty right then. 

**Producer (offscreen)** : Are you playing against each other as well? 

**Eddie** : Absolutely. 

**Richie** : We wouldn’t play any other way. 

[Cut to title card: "Richie Tozier and Eddie Kasprak take the Relationship Test" with upbeat music playing over the top]

 **Eddie** : Check off every detail that you’re absolutely sure you know about your significant other.

 **Richie** : Easy-Peasy. Do I know you’re birthday? November 21st, 1976.

 **Eddie** : You were born on November 22nd, 1976. Age? Your age is 42.

 **Richie** : As is yours. We are fucking killing this just -

 **Eddie** : Don’t make that joke, please. 

**Richie** : Because you asked nicely. What is your partner's astrological sign? Eddie’s a Scorpio. 

**Eddie** : And Richie is Sagittarius. 

**Richie** : You know, Scorpio and Sagittarius get along well. I looked it up once. We have a very physical relationship. 

**Eddie** : Odd, seeing as I refuse to touch you. 

**Richie** : Eds got off a good one. Next! Middle name, your middle name is Frank after your dad. 

**Eddie** : And you’re middle name is Oliver after your mom’s dad. Name of your first pet? You had a fish when we were seven called Candy but it died like two days after you got it and you haven’t had another once since.

 **Richie** : RIP Candy. You have never had a pet. We should get a dog. A pomeranian! 

**Eddie** : Beep beep, dick. Name of current pets? We don’t have any pets and we’re not going to get one. Your favourite movie? Home Alone. 

**Richie** : It’s a great movie and I will watch it all year. Yours is, and you’re going to say ‘no it’s not’ because you always do. But your favourite is Jurassic Park. And I am 100% sure it’s because you had and have a crush on Jeff Goldblum. 

**Eddie** : Yeah. That is actually true. It’s the only reason I’m with you, I’m hoping you’ll take me somewhere where I can meet him. 

**Richie** : Well fuck you then. 

**Eddie** : Poor Richie. Favorite TV show? Yours is Forensic Files but also Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

 **Richie** : Yeah. And yours is Barry! 

**Eddie** : Yes. I do like the show that my boyfriend stars in, sue me. I also liked it before we were dating. 

**Richie** : But we were still in love! You must have been subconsciously connected to it. 

**Eddie** : I just like the other actors actually. 

**Richie** : You’re so mean. Favourite book? Oh, that one that you lent Bev! Uh, The DaVinci Code. 

**Eddie** : Yup. And you haven't read since high school where your favourite book was Lord of the Flies. 

**Richie** : Wanna go ape shit and kill a man on an island. 

**Eddie** : We’ve been through one murder trial, I’d rather not make it two. Favourite band? You like David Bowie but that’s not a band so I’m going with guns’n’roses.

 **Richie** : You also love David Bowie and you also like Queen and AC/DC. 

**Eddie** : All true. The two of us listened to a lot of David Bowie in the 90s. 

**Richie** : We’re gay. There’s nothing else to listen to. 

**Eddie** : Whitney Houston. 

**Richie** : Oh yeah. I think that’s why my parents knew I was gay before I told them, no straight boy listens to that much Whitney. 

**Eddie** : Also the fact that you used to kiss my cheek and call me your love. 

**Richie** : I was an affectionate friend. 

**Eddie** : What other friends were you calling cute? 

**Richie** : Jealous? 

**Eddie** : No, because I know it’s not true. 

**Richie** : It’s not true. Eddie’s the only one for me. 

**Eddie** : Ben was already taken so I settled for Richie. Favourite food-

 **Richie** : Fine, move on then. 

**Eddie** : I am. Your favourite food, hm, oh. Fortunate cookies.

 **Richie** : Fuck you. 

**Eddie** : No, it’s pizza but only from that one place, uh, Jimbo’s Pizza.

 **Richie** : Really good pizza. Your favourite food is kale. 

**Eddie** : It is not! 

**Richie** : You like sushi but no raw fish. Or you like chicken alfredo. 

**Eddie** : Yeah but only the way you make it. 

**Richie** : I’m a great cook. 

**Eddie** : You are not. 

**Richie** : Mixed signals, Eds. Okay, least favourite food. Anything greasy for you and cashews because you’re allergic. Also beetroot. 

**Eddie** : You’re the least favourite is anything healthy and also anything banana flavoured. What is your partner's favourite pizza toppings? Richie likes classic cheese but sometimes he wants salami. 

**Richie** : Eddie says he doesn’t care but when I get him the vege one he’s very happy. What is your favourite soda? You don’t really drink soda but if you had to it would be diet coke. 

**Eddie** : You like diet coke and you drink it often. Alcoholic drink? We don’t drink anymore. 

**Richie** : Eye colour? You have dark brown eyes. What are mine without looking?

 **Eddie** : Blue. Where did they grow up? Derry, Maine. 

**Richie** : Also Derry, Maine. Cat person or dog person? Neither. 

**Eddie** : You’ve never had either but I think you’d be better suited for a dog. I don’t know why. 

**Richie** : Does that count as a point? 

**Eddie** : Yeah, absolutely. 

**Richie** : Cool. Your best friend is me. 

**Eddie** : Yeah, I guess if we had to rank the Losers you’d be on top. 

**Richie** : Always am, baby. 

**Eddie** : Gross. Your best friend is also me. How do you take your coffee? A cup of milk and sugar with a dash of coffee in it. 

**Richie** : True. You take yours black and sometimes you get an iced coffee instead. Favourite season? Summer. 

**Eddie** : Why? 

**Richie** : Vibes. 

**Eddie** : What the fuck, Richie? Whatever, your favourite season is winter because you like being cold. 

**Richie** : True. Oh, nice. What’s my favourite sexual position, Eds? 

**Eddie** : You’re acting like I’m about to say something super risky or sexy. Richie likes to spoon while we have sex. 

**Richie** : Dude, play me up here. And anyway, you like it too! 

**Eddie** : This is awful. I have to go to work on Monday. 

**Richie** : I’m sending this video to everyone in your office. 

**Eddie** : You don’t have any contact details of anyone at my work for this express purpose. 

**Richie** : I’ll find a way. Hack in. 

**Eddie** : You’re an embarrassment. 

**Richie** : And that’s why you love me! 

**Eddie** : Oh? I didn’t know that. 

**Richie** : You’re so mean. Shit, I didn’t answer the question. Now, your favourite sexual position is. Oh, it’s the same as me. Boring. 

**Eddie** : Yeah. What’s your dream job? When we were kids he wanted to be a ventriloquist but I think you have your dream job now. You always wanted to be a comedian and tell stories. 

**Richie** : Did you always think I could do it? 

**Eddie** : Absolutely. Ever since we were like eight years old. I would have been very surprised if I found out that you weren’t famous because I think you’re fucking hilarious. 

**Richie** : Babe! Your dream job is not the one you have now. Being my sugar baby? No, it was building cars when you were young but years of emotional abuse brought you to where you are now. 

**Eddie** : Well now you definitely can’t send this to my office. 

**Richie** : Your boss finds out that you’re only a Risk Analyst, what a boring job, because your mother and then your wife was crazy. 

**Eddie** : I think I’d be your sugar baby if that happened. 

**Richie** : I am sending this video to your boss. Directly. He needs to know the truth and I need my Eds to be my sugar baby. 

**Eddie** : You’re not rich enough to be my sugar daddy. 

**Richie** : Damn, okay. What was the worst job I ever had? 

**Eddie** : When you were in college you worked at the library. I don’t know how you got that fucking position but you did. 

**Richie** : I was not well suited for that. You hated working at the Alddian when we were teens.

 **Eddie** : Despite being the valedictorian of our class, Richie didn’t step foot into the school library once unless it was to come and annoy me. 

**Producer (offscreen)** : You were the valedictorian, Richie? 

**Richie** : Yup. Class of ‘92. 

**Eddie** : He was always smart. 

**Richie** : I used to do Eddie’s homework because I would be finished already and want to do something fun. 

**Eddie** : He did that. Sorry to our high school teachers. 

**Richie** : We have so much else to be sorry for. 

**Eddie** : True. Oh, haha, what’s your favourite sports team? Richie doesn’t know what sport is.

 **Richie** : Eddie doesn’t either. We don’t watch sports. What are your allergies? Well, that’s a sensitive topic so we’re gonna breeze right past that one. I know them. You know that I don’t have any. We’re done. Biggest celebrity crush? Jeff Goldblum. 

**Eddie** : You loved River Phoenix when we were teenagers but now it’s Seth Myers. You talk about him all the time. 

**Richie** : I have also made out with him multiple times and in SNL canon we are married. 

**Eddie** : What a strange man I’m in love with. 

**Richie** : Aww, you love me! 

**Eddie** : A little. Can they roll their tongue? Yes, he can.

 **Richie** : Eddie can as well. 

**Eddie** : First love? It’s me. 

**Richie** : You were my first and only love, Eds. And I can say the same thing for you. 

**Eddie** : You are correct. 

**Producer (offscreen)** : Weren’t you married, Eddie? 

**Eddie** : I was.

 **Richie** : He was. 

**Producer (offscreen)** : Okay. 

**Richie** : Favourite co-worker? Uh, Tom. 

**Eddie** : Yeah. Who do you classify as your co-workers? 

**Richie** : I don’t know. 

**Eddie** : You like your agent and you’re always working with him. 

**Richie** : True. Yeah, that’s right. Oh, I like this question. What nicknames do I have? 

**Eddie** : Richie is one. Rich. Baby, darling and honey. Bev calls you sweetie. Trashmouth and little shit would be two more. Stan and I call you idiot a lot. 

**Richie** : I love all of them so much. Okay, Eddie is a nickname. As is Eds, Eddie Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Eds my love and Eds my darling which can be shortened to my love and my darling which can also be shortened to darling and love. Bev also calls you sweetie. Shortie and shortstack. Oh, Spaghetti head. Eduardo and babe. Honey. Lover. Idiot, little fucker, asshole. Sweetheart. Bastard and baby. So many to choose from. 

**Eddie** : And I hate most of them. 

**Richie** : He loves them all as he confessed when he was high on painkillers. And you have to let me call you whatever I want because I killed a clown for you. 

**Eddie** : It was a group effort. What were your favourite school subjects? You liked all of them but if I was in the class you went to them more often. 

**Richie** : Because you were there. You liked maths and history. Least favourite subject? You didn’t like Bio. 

**Eddie** : No, I didn’t. You liked all of them but you liked history the least. 

**Richie** : But I went to every class because you were there. 

**Eddie** : What’s your biggest fear? I know what yours is but I don’t know how to say it in any meaningful way. It’s being forgotten or abandoned.

 **Richie** : Well you could say that being outed was a huge fear of mine, but it was mainly the idea that once I was outed everyone would hate me. I was terrified that if anyone knew my secret then I’d die alone and forgotten by everyone that I loved. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone until I was forty aside from my parents. And it’s also why I like being in the public eye because everyone may hate me but at least I won’t be forgotten. What about you? The leaper?

 **Eddie** : Yeah, my fear was always being sick. My mother convinced me that I was dying my entire childhood and gave me sugar pills. I was always scared of anything that could hurt me because she’d get so worried that I’d end up in the hospital. But that wasn’t my biggest fear, my biggest fear was being sick because I was gay. I think she knew that I was because she’d always talk about AIDs, how bad it was and how it was punishment for gay people from God for being gay. So when I realised that I was in love with Richie I thought I was sick.

 **Richie and Eddie** : And clowns. Fuck them. 

**Richie** : Okay, moving on. Year they graduated high school? ‘92.

 **Eddie** : ‘92. Year they graduated college? ‘96.

 **Richie** : ‘96. Favourite ice cream flavour? Vanilla with sprinkles. 

**Eddie** : Vanilla with sprinkles as well. Even at forty we still get that. Ice cream in a cone or a cup? Richie likes waffle cones. 

**Richie** : Eds likes cups. Cake or pie? Pie. 

**Eddie** : Pie. Sheets tucked or untucked at the end? Richie is a heathen and he has them untucked. 

**Richie** : He’s like a mouse and wants to be trapped in his tucked sheets. Favourite swear word? All of them. 

**Eddie** : Fuck but also all of them. 

[Cut to card: “Results” with upbeat music playing over the top]

 **Richie** : I got 50 out of 50. 

**Eddie** : I also got 50 out of 50. 

[They high five. Richie kisses Eddie on the cheek] 

**Eddie** : We know each other well. 

**Richie** : We grew up together and yeah we forgot about each other for like 20 odd years but through no fault of our own. 

**Producer (offscreen)** : Do you think you need to get perfect scores to be in a happy relationship? 

**Eddie** : No. I don’t think so. I mean, you should probably get high scores but Richie and I are weird. 

**Richie** : If you’re getting ten out of fifty you should probably talk to your partner more. 

**Producer (offscreen)** : Do you know everything about your partner? 

**Eddie** : I don’t think we know everything. 

**Richie** : Most things. 

**Eddie** : Majority of things. 

**Richie** : According to this test we know everything though. Has any other couple gotten one hundred per cent? 

**Producer (offscreen)** : I don’t think so. 

**Richie** : Well, I am challenging Bev and Ben and Bill and Audra, and also Stan and Patty but they’re not famous, to do this challenge. Cool? Alright. I’m Richard Kaspbrak - 

**Eddie** : - I’m Edward Tozier -

 **Richie** : - and you just watched us be the best couple there is. If you want to hear more about my tragic gay life or the fact that I murdered a man, go and watch my newest stand-up, [ Richie Tozier: Coming Clean.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21640372) It’s on Netflix but also like, 123movies. 

**Eddie** : It’s not funny but it pays the bills so please, go and watch it. On Netflix. 

**Richie** : You said that I’m hilarious before. No take-backs. 

**Eddie** : It’s a very funny show. You’ll like it. 

**Richie** : How do you know that? They might not like it. 

**Eddie** : I’m never being supportive again. 

**Richie** : He loves me. 

**Eddie** : And he loves me. 

[The kiss before the video ends.]

**Author's Note:**

> [Playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2wzUwg4KMMH9v0ulMCuTex?si=-SHwjn0MQcOvQ4XaQRCqfA)
> 
> Time for a shameless self-promo!
> 
> [My Reddie + It Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/edtozier89)  
> [My Writing Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fanfictionwriter101)  
> 


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